Getting what you want- but not how you wanted it…

I’m Pregnant!

I’m still not sure the exclamation point seems authentic.  I am not excited to be pregnant.  I am trying to get there tho… 

The funny thing about this is that that it’s not entirely unplanned, or in any way remotely unwanted.  My husband and I were actively planning to start a family.  Starting last winter 2015 we started talking to a case worker about foster-adopt programs.  We even made it as far as our first “home visit” until the Navy threw us a curve ball with early PCS orders.  Moving put everything on pause, but once we felt settled at our new home in Washington again we reached out to adoption case workers.

After learning from the experience with our home visit in San Diego I made purposeful choices when selecting our new home to make it most adaptable to adoption.  Instead of choosing my usually quirky open floor plan loft I opted for a traditional farm house with 2 extra bedrooms {just in case we had the option of adopting siblings}.  On Christmas we filled out our new adoption applications to begin classes for state certification in Washington.  Little did I know, by that point science had already taken the wheel… helping me to make a family from scratch.

The thing is I’ve always known adoption was for me.

Pregnancy is a very real fear for me with outcomes I do NOT trust.  My little sister is a nurse midwife & my mother in law is the director of a pro-life pregnancy clinic. I have plenty of birth-positive influences in my life which could have swayed my thoughts on pregnancy had they not been rational:

  • I do not enjoy babies or have the time in my career for making/raising one.
  • Genetics are roll of the dice, I have bio-siblings who are lovely… but I also have one who is a sociopath.  All of us were raised in the same the same loving environment but it didn’t stop one of us from being a bad egg.  Where as adoption, specifically foster-adopt allows for an extended trial period in the home to learn about your new possible family member.
  • The foster care system is over loaded with children in need- especially siblings & children who have grown beyond the ultra desirable new-baby phase.  I am deeply attached to my adopted brother, the thought that he could have ended up in a group home or aged out of the system on to the streets devastates me.  I want to do anything in my power to prevent that from happening to another person
  • Babies and pregnancy are costly. I would much rather use the money I will could spend on strollers and maternity jeans on something useful like music lessons or college savings.  Outfitting a nursery seems like a waste of effort when the child will develop its own tastes in a year or two and require a full do-over.
  • I won’t even get into my fear of pregnancy related health risks like diabetes… or the complete loss of dignity that goes into likely peeing your pants or vomiting in public.
  • I am not sure I will be able to avoid resentment towards a person who causes me pain & lost wages.  The looming thought of post “baby-blues” depression feels beyond unavoidable.

Ughhh.

end rant, I continue on topic:

On New Years we found out the big news.  I wasn’t quite devastated but lets just say I wasn’t overjoyed…it was an adjustment period.   I took off a month during January from all blogging and Youtube to get right with myself.  My husband and I discussed everything openly and in detail, including if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy {which clearly I chose not to}. I am so thankful for a partner who is understanding.  I’m not sure how women feel magic or powerful because of pregnancy.  So far my hair and skin is great, my motivation such, and my calves are swollen.  I’ve never felt more unexceptional or mundane in my life.  I feel like an animal… because I am one.

I have now shared the news with my family and close friends… so I decided to share with you too.

This is all I have for now.  My thoughts are candid so if you choose to comment below please be kind.

 

 

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One thought on “Getting what you want- but not how you wanted it…

  1. I love the candid way you write. I have also foster adopted. However, I’ve also birthed 2 children. The first my daughter, now age 16. I was then a surrogate for a friend, 13 yrs ago. I now have boys ages 6 and 3 thru foster adoption. I understand how adoption can be just something you feel. But that doesn’t mean birthing a child can’t also be part of the plan. Breathe. Relax. Embrace.
    Btw, even when you can “try out” foster placements first, that won’t guarantee you will get what you are looking for. Plus, with adoption, there are still alot of genetic what ifs. You kinda gotta just hope for the best.
    Just like with bios.
    You’ll do fine. But, if you feel depressed do seek help. Its very common to have depression following the birth of a baby.

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